being lonely is actually driving me crazy

started out the morning by looking up articles about the pros and cons of apartment living and an hour later I’m reading this article some guy wrote about the “dangers of apartment living” including the possibility of gunshots from other apartments blasting through your walls and hitting you or secret drug manufacturer neighbors releasing chemicals into the air that could poison your brain

my heart aches
ran all the way to the top of a waterfall today and felt absolutely amazing

sigh I haven’t had a really good make-out session in a rly long time; you know what I mean, not just prelude-to-fucking quick/antsy kisses full of expectation but real slow yummy tongue and bites and teeth and skin and clothes still creating barriers you’re breaking with your mouths…

lonesome indoor swimming pool with steam rising from the gently illuminated water at night aesthetic

your demons make you real

four days into starting to take a new antidepressant, Viibryd, and a new prescription medical supplement, Vayarin, for ADHD… all of my energy and focus at this point in my life is going to be spent on trying to re-capture a feeling of calm and remaining level in my daily life.

I’m putting a lot of faith in medication but also attempting to follow a more natural diet and cutting out caffeine. drinking herbal tea or running when I have the urge to smoke.

I’m at a low point in my life, and it seems that my emotions have gotten out of hand and I’ve pushed aside past lessons I’ve learned about staying stable due to the current calamity I’m facing. 

please wish me luck, you guys.

gonna go hang my friend’s hammock up somewhere pretty around the time the sun sets and re-watch The Grand Budapest Hotel on my laptop as we chill in the hammock, really excited, it’s gonna be cute

keeping myself so exhausted I can’t think. holding my breath underwater until I feel lightheaded. soaking up so much sunlight I turn hazy. floating away.

cutscene to a bleached blonde teen girl tanning alone with yellow heart-shaped sunglasses on. the neighborhood pool is empty. she stares at the water. she pulls out a cigarette. she looks down at her book and thinks about death.